It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

If there is one thing that every new mom learns it's that as soon as you think you've got it all figured out, everything changes again. I think that's why I never gave any real update to the whole "sleeping" chapter. I was waiting for the perfect story with the perfect ending, the whole "and they lived happily and well rested ever after"... Well, I'm still waiting for it. Don't get me wrong, Gabriel is doing really well. He now goes to bed every night around 7:00 PM, and wakes up on average only once or twice per night, before starting the day between 6:00 or 7:00 AM. He often falls asleep without crying, or after just a couple minutes of protesting. When I look at the big picture, I realize how lucky we are. We really can't complain.

Of course some days are harder and I just can't seem to get him to sleep, or to nap for more than 40 minutes at a time. The scientist in me then tries to analyze the causes, the possible explanations, examining every factor, changing only one thing at a time, what I eat (for breast milk taste), the time of day for naps, the length of previous naps, the soothing routine, etc. And after a month of intense analysis, my expert conclusion is: there is no easy explanation, it's just how a developing baby is. Really easy to say after a refreshing good night sleep, but very hard to remember when I'm in one of those bad moments. I can't even begin to describe the anxiety feeling that still builds up in me when I have to listen to my child crying and calling out for me without doing anything. It has to be the most stressful thing I've done in my life, easily surpassing being robbed at gunpoint and being lost in the jungle. As I already said, the maternal instinct is a very primitive one and denying it creates overwhelming internal turmoil. Gabriel might fall asleep, but his Mom is left with insomnia. After "Healthy sleep habits, happy child" I think I need a "Healthy sleep habits, happy Mom. Incidentally, it's during those sleepless nights that I come up with the best stories for this blog (eloquent descriptions of my feelings when I first saw Gabriel, what it's like to be a Mom, how amazing I think Alejo is as a Dad,...). But then of course when I wake up my brain turns to mush and I wonder how it is exactly that I managed to write a PhD thesis while working full time and going out every other night, when now going out to do groceries seems like the biggest challenge, and my biggest dream is going to bed at 8 PM and sleeping for 12 hours.

Then again, Gabriel is now such a joy when he is in his playful awake time. His smiles, his laughs, his very serious facial expressions as he calmly observes everything, his baby sounds and all his first discoveries outweigh everything else by about a million times. So I try to tone down the "overdramatic" and to appreciate all those little things that make every day with Gabriel the best day of my life.






New photo albums:

Janvier bien au chaud

Playtime with Gabriel


Love, Lys xx

Extrait de mon journal pour Gabriel, racontant les émotions du 20 janvier 2008

"Positif. J'ai fait un deuxième test le lendemain matin, pour confirmer. Toujours positif. C'est le choc. J'ai tellement d'émotions fortes qui se bousculent que je n'arrive pas à en exprimer une correctement. Positif. J'avais déjà rêvé à ce moment joyeux, à cette preuve de vie si merveilleuse, une preuve simple (du pipi sur un bâton), mais qui a une signification si énorme. Positif. Avec la joie, arrive l'anxiété, la nervosité, le questionnement.Le côté financier, ou va-t-on vivre, va-t'il/elle être en santé, heureux, comment va se passer ma grossesse, vais-je pouvoir faire tous les changements nécessaires, comment va réagir mon entourage, ma famille... et Alejo?!? Positif. Sans rattacher mes culottes, je l'avais déjà appelé et lui avais annoncé la nouvelle sans aucun tact ou préambule. C'est positif. De son étonnement transparait sa joie. Une excitation débordante, la réalisation d'un rêve cher. Pour me rassurer et confirmer sa réaction, ses sentiments, ils m'envoie un petit vidéo de lui, souriant, dépeigné, débalancé, joyeux, nerveux, excité. Il m'aime, je le sais. Je l'aime aussi. Cet enfant ne manquera pas d'amour."